Monday, May 31, 2010

Further Proof I’m Crap when it comes to Conservation….

…’Ol Blue defied me this year?!

When it comes to supporting conservation organizations I have an infamous record of involvement that has many organizers’ wishing I’d never do so again.

Besides my multiple Quail Unlimited disasters, and another with DU I cant even refer to anymore without feeling like shit; there’s my history of just all around stupidity when it comes to auctions and banquets, that still has many who attended them with me refusing to do so ever again?!

Hell, my mother still brings up my brother's wedding and 'the garter belt incident', even though it took place over 20 years ago and I've appologized 5,000 times?!


Yes, if there’s a stage involved and liqour I was on both within minutes, and it never turned out as entertaining as I thought (especially on video)?
Now, even though I’ve elimintated the booze from the equation as best I can, it doesn’t mean I’m any brighter; or so last week’s Hatchopedia Party was a perfect example?

Each year they team-up with Greater Gallatin Watershed Council and hold an event where they auction off all sorts of things and throw a big shin dig in downtown Bozeman; culminating in giving away a beater truck:”ol Blue”, hauling a used drift-boat too.

I only know this because I was applying for work at a fly shop once and instead of giving me a job the assholes suckered me into buying a little blue raffle ticket, taking my last $10.00 bucks; so I’d obsess over winning the damned truck and boat for a whole unemployed month and ultimately not win a @*& damned thing?!


It was a quarter till 8 ‘o clock when I finally said “the hell with it, lets go!” and gathered up the girls in the truck and raced 100 miles per hour toward a destination unknown..?
I’d been putting it off, considering it wisely 'an utter waste of my time' all month, but wavered here and there and dreamt of floating down rivers in my very own boat.
Then that Thursday evening my OCD kicked in in a bad way' and with only seconds till the well advertised deadline and announcement: “of drawing at 8 o’clock sharp”; I exited onto Main Street determined to be there for my prize...?!

I would be pushing it as my watch said 7:59 and the gal on the phone moments ago assured me they were on-schedule and I “better hurry”; when giving me directions to what turned out to be the most popular building in town.
Never fully confident I’d win, I never bothered to determine where the party was being held, so when I was on I-90 I called information and was connected to a gal who told me: "the Baxter Ballroom was inside the Baxter Hotel" and when I asked where the hell that was; she nearly hung up on me saying:..“it’s the one with the huge sign dominating the Bozeman sky-line”, ...and I instantly recalled seeing it at least fifty times..duh.?

I parked two blocks behind it and could hear the crowd roar as I sprinted toward the hotel now 8:05. As I raced up toward the mezanine I heard another roar and was certain I’d missed the boat litterally?!



The whole way there I’d rehearsed what I’d say when they called my number and how I’d confidently walk up to the stage and gracefully accept their applause and whisper to the announcer “I only wanted the boat, and to call another number for the truck”?

I’d been told something like this had happened the year before, true or not, I thought it’d be a neat thing to do; though incredibly stupid given I have no job nor money and wavered back and forth whether I would or wouldn’t; knowing the glove-box also was advertised as “stuffed with cash”?

I didn’t know how it would sound to say:”I just want the boat and trailer and cash in the glove box,..?” surely something would get lost in the translation over the cheering crowd, and I’d get pissed when they announced I’d redonated the whole thing!?

So I wasn’t sure exactly what I’d say, but was still ready and mentally prepared to win,...or argue with them if they didn’t wait for me to draw the damned thing if they hadn’t!


Good thing for them they hadn’t.

Instead I stood around like a jackass waiting for over 45 minutes as they stalled and the band played “one more song”; and squeezed the life outa the party of their own doing and pretty much pissed off the majority of the people that I could see?

It was a damned good thing I hadn’t arrived at 6 o’clock as many had apparently, only to be delayed over and over again with total BS from the young nieve announcers’ who thought it funny to keep pushing the crowds’ buttons and likely did themselves few favors for ‘the build-up’, that was even delayed once more when a young gal began the bidding for two fly fishing trips…?

I’ll say this she was hot and blonde, two key features I like in a woman (even if she was young enough to be my daughter), but when she began running her bloody mouth a million miles a minute; “an amatuer auctioneer” as she said she were; all dudes in the room rolled their eyes back in their heads in unison as any amount of hot ass or tits qualities were wasted once she reached her pitch and barely scrounged up ‘$375.00 for the trip’, which cost much more than that?

Thankfully a dude took over who nailed the next trip and it sold for a little over, but the mood was so that even the oraganizers’ were getting restless as folks in the crowd began cursing aloud (me) and someone even began a chant of “what the f**k”…”what the f**k” over and over (me again).

Even completely sober I’d broken my self-imposed motto before entering; and had even told myself aloud:”don’t make a fool of yourself in here”, but the gal auctioneer, combined with my racing there and risking a speeding ticket (which by the way would have been physically devastating to the organization if I’d gotten one), combined with my having to restrain myself from bidding on the guided trips and then pissed I had no money to do so. Nor another 10 bucks to my name to buy another opportunity (which I would have, had I’d found a job); I instead stood there mumbling profanities to myself at the entrance and unnerving several young attendees of what might happen if that really big guy by the door didn’t win?

Finally the basterds announced the winning number and by then any ‘build up’ was sure to be followed immediately by mass-evacuation, no matter how many beers folks had in them, or songs the shitty band continued playing…And so when they called a number that wasn’t mine I joined in the audible groan of loserdome of the hundred others’ there; excpet mine was a little more genuine, given I still don’t have a job, and was wishing I’d kept that ten bucks too!


So I went home in the Montana Spring rain and patted my girls on their heads and began conversing with them as usual till all was forgotten. Once there I began mowing my lawn as my landlord insisted I do (with a nasty note on my door saying so); and then went about doing my part to drain the Lower Gallatin by leaving my sprinklers on all night in a torential thunderstorm.

Yes I suck at conservation, and think it best I for one never spend another minute or nickel on the damned things; and check that off my list of things I’ve done and failed to do... Still hoping someone out there continues though; with more money and a clearer head too perhaps...?